I visited Camden Market in London with a friend once. It was an interesting voyeuristic experience. As in common in London, there was large variety in people's dress and manner. There did appear to be more alternative, or unusual people than average, however. I recall seeing a few goths for instance. Throughout this visit, which mostly consisted of walking and browsing, I came to the realisation that while I was observing the curious sights, I was myself a curious sight. Admittedly, I wouldn't think of myself as that strange, perhaps no one does, but I do tend to dress in a manner which blends into the background. This relevation, that I was both the watcher and the watched, was somehow horrifying. It made me uncomfortable to know that I could be observed. There are levels of observation that feel acceptable and understandable. When I bought tea for instance, from a shop with a large variety, even though it was a shop the experience was similar enough to previous coffee shop interactions to be perfectly acceptable. Of course I am observed during this because I have to talk to the barrista to obtain my order. When I sit and drink that tea at a table the observation has disappeared, or so I thought. There is this odd belief that I become invisible. It is of course not true. I am always being observed, or more accurately, I am always observable. For some reason, perhaps because it felt as though I was marvelling at so many things, I became aware that I am a marvel. The idea was later discussed by me and my therapist. The idea exists beyond being seen in public, and extends to a slightly more abstract sense of being observed. I realised I always had a faint feeling of embarrasment when it came to expressing what I was interested in or what I liked to my family. It feels scary to take a stance, to say I like a thing. Here it is clear to see that the threat is judgement. The worry of what will occur is plainly that the target of my affection will be viewed negatively, which will pull back a negative judgement onto me. It is the negative judgement that must be avoided, as it brings feelings of shame. Instead positive judgement is better, because it brings feelings of embarrasment.

I mean to come back to this and structure it in a coherent manner but I think there is a flow of ideas from a fear (distates or lack of desire) of being observered to a desire to hide away from the world. This results in a lack of expression, both of oneself (what I think, what I like) and of ones work (writing, drawing, academic work). This a little bit like living less, or living privately, which is a restricted way to live. I got a new baking book for Christmas, Baking and the Meaning of Life by Helen Goh which I've read very little of currently. She is very interesting, having done psychology and professional baking concurrently. In the preface of the book she discusses some of the componants of a meaningful life, some of which boil down to authenticiy and an authentic self. I think the quote was attributed to Heidegger. But it struck me as very similar to my ideas on this observer vs observered dichotomy. Or at least how it feels connected to my life. One of the impacts I'd realised from not wishing to be seen was not expressing myself around my family. I didn't and still largely don't, which to talk about my interests etc. I am far more willing to do so with my friends. Maybe this comes from the relation I have to my family, I'm sure there's components of it there. But I also retracted very much from engaging in my degree, maybe because I was intimidated, or self conscious, or what have you. I would not speak up in lectures, or in classes where I could avoid it, instead I would just observe. This lack of engagement can be viewed as a fear of showing myself. Presumably being authentic, or showing my authentic self, which is a component of a meaningful life, would have made me happier. Or more content.